Back to Blogging

So I haven’t blogged in a while… I know you are all so sad.

 

Honestly, I have a policy of not blogging about current life events.  (As in, I couldn’t tell you about my dating life in case the man of the hour was reading my blog)  Also I wasn’t quite sure where this blog was going, it felt like it was kind of lost in the cyberworld of blogs gone bad.

When I started blogging I was just ranting about dating and being single.  Then I learned to adjust to being single and got over the rants.  I then started blogging about being a mom, got super busy actually being a mom and didn’t blog.  Next, I started listening to all of the buzz about “Leaning In” and “Girl Power” and “Ban Bossy” and I thought to myself that I too need to make a statement and be super awesome and fight some sort of injustice all via my wise words on this blog.

Talk about a stress!

I gave up.

I couldn’t think of a thing to say.  I like my life. I’m not angry at anyone or anything.  I actually don’t mind getting up and going to work as I have a cool job and I think I get paid really well for it.  I am by no means a super mom, but my kid doesn’t spend any time in the principal’s office (ok, maybe a little?), he has friends, isn’t obese and from what I can tell is doing ok.  I am not in a serious relationship, but if I ever need a date to something I can find a handsome man to take me, or I am just as comfortable going by myself.   All in all I have nothing much to rant about.

Then it hit me… the title of my blog is “DUH! Sometimes you just need to say it.”  This my friends was my big DUH moment.  People don’t read my blog for my advice.  People don’t even read my blog because they care about what I have to say.  People read my blog because it is random, sometimes funny, sometimes sappy, and 100 % honest.

So, ladies and gents I am BACK to Blogging!  I have no idea what the next blog will be or if you will like it.  But I can promise you this. I won’t have an agenda, a plan or a slogan.  I am just me blogging about the stuff that pops into my head and I hope you enjoy it. 

DUH! moment of the day....

This photo popped up in my suggested matches on E Harmony.  Please note I haven't been a subscriber in a long time, but somehow they still feel the need to match me.  Anyway I digress....

Really guy, you are a psychic!?! 

Maybe if you were good at your job you would KNOW you were going to get a date and not need an online service? 

Just a thought...

I swear I didn't plan this blog.

I’m a planner. I admit it.  If there were a planning addiction group I would join it.  Then I would plan on becoming it's President.

I plan random things.  I never was one to plan really big picture things.  I never planned where I wanted to go to college.  My parents suggested a few places, I got in, and I went.  But I did plan every last detail of what I would pack, what my room would look like and how I would make new friends.  I was never one of those girls who had their wedding, kids, job after college planned out.  I planned a road trip to D.C.  met a guy, got married then pregnant on our honeymoon (Let me tell you NO ONE plans to do that!).  I then planned the nursery, our house furniture and my labor and delivery schedule. 

I like to plan. I find it comforting to know ahead of time what to expect.    I plan my outfits, my hair styles, and I always plan on being on time (ok, I’m a bit OCD I tend to plan to be early).  You would think all of my planning would make my life an organized peaceful existence.

Until you’re planning involves others!

My family learned years and years ago to sort of ignore my planning.  I call it planning; they may call it slightly overexagerated expectations of others – Tomato/Tomata. Once I planned a wonderful warm Thanksgiving dinner, with pressed cloth napkins, place cards and classical music in the background.  I got a Crazy-Ass Family Turkey Day complete with party crashers, tears over the Turducken (Turkey/Duck/Chicken) and three types of sweet potato casseroles. DEFINTELY NOT in my plan.

I planned my son’s nursery and existence to match mine.  I had a huge fear that my house would be the type of house you walk into and because of its red, blue and yellow Duplex boxes combined with playschool power wheels the house would scream “A KID LIVES HERE”.  I promised myself my son was coming into my life and I would maintain our adult existence. For the first 8 months of my son’s life he was only allowed toys that were green, khaki or white. I planned the color scheme to coordinate with my furniture and other décor.  His burp cloths, blankets, floor mats all nicely matched my throw pillows and sconces.  Life was color coordinated peace.  Until he learned to walk and needed things with wheels and sounds, and apparently things with colors are GOOD for children.  Needless to say my plan went out the window.

My planning prowess has reached a new challenge, that of the world of dating as an adult.  Typically my plans for an evening out revolve around me, my schedule and my commitments.  Enter in a grown man with a job, maybe a kid, maybe a hobby and my planning gets all out of whack!  As I get older (maybe more mature) I find myself wanting to date guys with grown-up jobs, you know the guys – those that have responsibility, maybe a few people working for them, budgets, meetings, so on.  These guys are interesting, can have an actual conversation and have a lot of potential.  Know what the downfall of this guy is ??? 

His plan doesn’t always conform to my plan.

Total challenge for this self-declared President of the Planners Addiction Club.  What do you mean you will be late to drinks because you have a crisis at work?  Or, you can’t take my random call in the middle of the day because I want to plan what we are having for dinner?   And so it goes more and more interruptions to my planning perfection.

Just this morning I was talking to someone about his plans for the day.  I asked typical planning questions like, “what time are your friends coming over?” and “how long are they staying?”   His answer, “I don’t know.”  I suggested he didn’t pay too much attention to details in his life.  He replied “I let life happen.”

Wow!

It hit me. 

Maybe all of the times I spend trying to plan the small details of my life I should relax and let some of life just happen?

Good idea.  I will get right on it, I will just have to plan to add “letting life happen” to my schedule!

Great Expectations

Today my daily affirmation said to “let go of all perceptions of what a relationship is supposed to be like”.  Hmm, I thought, this is actually rather timely.

As you, my bloggity blog loyal reader know, my friends and I are of the dating age. And as such, I use us as fodder for this page.  Just this past week we had been discussing how with the increase in social media, internet, text, our expectations have increased when we are entering into a relationship.

Back in the day (ok, you know I’m not THAT old), but it used to be that you would meet someone out or get set up by a friend, they would call you, you planned a date, you met, you made small talk, got to know one another, etc.  These days with online dating you pretty much fast forward all of that.  You answer questions, post pictures, list your favorites and basically give your date a “how to guide” on getting to know you.  Add in there the creation of text messaging and before you even meet a person face to face you have already gotten in your head a pretty good example of what this person is like (or, let’s be honest, what you WANT this person to be like).  Your expectations are set pretty high and you still haven’t even met the person yet!

The next hurdle is getting over the expectation of what status your relationship is in.  I constantly refer to my Dad and his wise advice when I was in college.  He told me “it is ok to date”.  Ok, duh! You might say.  But what he meant was; back in his day (1970 something) people dated.  Guys invited a girl out to dinner or to a movie.  They may even have two dates in a weekend with two different girls.  It was ok.  My Dad saw my sister and me getting asked out by one guy, having a good date, and then being stuck to each other for the foreseeable future.  We didn’t date – we committed.   I am not saying that everyone should go out and become crazy daters.  I am just suggesting that we put back into perspective that a date does not mean you are going to get married, have 2. 5 kids and a dog and live happily ever after.  It just means you wanted to see if you are compatible, have fun together and possibly could explore the thought of a second date. 

For most women, this thinking is very hard to do.  Most of us (and some men too) see our date as the future Mr. /Mrs.  We adopt the mindset that because we share the same interests and our online profile told us we were perfect matches we are going to be together forever.   We are projecting that our date is going to be the perfect relationship partner.  We can also back up our hypothesis because our online match maker agrees with us.  In our heads we are going to be Mr. and Mrs. Perfect.   Maybe yes, maybe no? 

To make the complication even worse we started changing the subject of first dates.  I remember my very first date I had from an online site.  The guy told me he hated first dates from Eharmony. I asked why? He said that “all you hear about is the sob story of someone’s past, why they got divorced, why they are still single etc.”  He had a really valid point.  While this information is very important for a relationship, topics like divorce, kids, marriage, used to come up after a few dates. These days, because you have already cleared those hurdles online, first dates tend to be a bit more intense. 

The other hurdle to keeping expectations low is that when you meet someone online you know their goals (it is a listed category!)  Want kids? Want to be married? Want to retire early?  You learn so much about the person online that you inevitably fast forward yourself into their painting of their cozy life.  I just talked to my friend who is dating a good guy.  He has a great job, owns a house, wants a family, has enough money to support a family – seems like a great catch.  The problem was that she wasn’t completely smitten with him.  She liked him ok, and could possibly grow to really like him.  Why did she settle and stay around for dates 2,3,4,5 etc.?  Well, because she fit into his picture of a future.  She wants kids, wants a man with a good job and someone who likes his family.  His perceived relationship and her perceived relationship were perfect matches.  Their personalities and lifestyles?  Not so sure.  But she was willing to pass up other guys and put her time into this one because of her expectation of what a relationship is supposed to be.

I am not judging or saying there is anything wrong with her choice.  Maybe they will be happily ever after and their match maker is completely correct?  All I am suggesting is that I remind myself to follow today’s affirmation and stop trying to fit relationships into what a perception is and just go with the flow of what reality is offering.

What are you attracted to?

This is just one of the 500 questions you go through when dating.  (Ok, let me be clear, when you are dating and you are over the age of 30.  I have a feeling that people who are in their 20s and dating still sort of rely on looks as their main source of attraction).

Being single, I am asked this question a lot by all sorts of well- meaning friends.  You know the kind, the ones that are happily married and want to see you ‘settle down’, also the few concerned friends who don’t want to see me raising my son by myself of shouldering the burden of being alone.  (Besides my fear of being stranded in a hurricane by myself, I think I am o.k. with being alone – thanks!)  Anyway more and more this question has come up in conversation, either directed at me, or me asking it to my friends.

My typical response usually flows like this; well, he must have a job, like kids and be taller than me.”  Yes, after being on the dating scene for about 5 years now I proudly deduced this formula is all I needed to find my happily ever after.   Unfortunately, my witty response now needs a few more descriptive words as I have noticed that this may be good for a quick retort but they are pretty shallow of me and won’t get me out of the kiddy pool of dating.

While at breakfast the other day, my friend and I were discussing attraction and how over and over again we (meaning women in general) fall for the handsome mysterious man, but yet get disappointed when they can’t carry a conversation or we can’t introduce them to our co-workers.  She went out on a few dates with a man who has a good job, owns his own home, plays sports and has good conversational skills.  The thing that she raved about most?  His brain!  He is smart and likes to talk about books and work and planning for the future.  The two of us laughed over our coffee and we remembered a few years ago when we bragged about our dates’ muscles or new tattoo or how many shots they bought us the night before.

So, as I am ever a fan of lists, I think it is now time for me to adjust mine and realize that what I am attracted to really does not have much to do with looks but a whole lot more to do with ambition and drive.

1.        I am attracted to someone who has a job (ok, same as the first list) BUT, must have a job that provides for them and one that they enjoy and are proud of.

2.       I am attracted to someone who likes kids (yep, still the same) BUT, must understand that I have a son and that it is a full time job.   An added bonus is someone who enjoys spending time with kids and doing kid friendly things.

3.       I am attracted to someone who is healthy and takes care of themselves.  By no means am I a super fit person, but I realize that I need to be healthy for my son. Once you realize the need to be healthy, it is hard to find someone with bad lifestyle choices attractive.

4.       I am attracted to someone who is knowledgeable.  I know that not everyone is cut out for office work and college.  However, I have met some extremely smart people who know a lot and are passionate about learning.  I am attracted to someone who likes to learn and also likes to teach. Having new experiences together can be a great relationship builder.

5.       I am attracted to someone who challenges me and encourages me.  Maybe it is as simple as making me go to the gym, or trying a new recipe?  I realized that I am the type of person who needs a bit of a challenge every once and awhile.

6.       I am attracted to someone who needs a partner. I have been the bread winner in relationships and I have been the stay at home housewife.  I didn’t like either of those roles.  I am attracted to someone who looks at me and says – “Go do your best, I believe in you”.  Not “I’ll take care of you” and not “I need you” But, just let’s work on this together.

It is funny that I as I sit here and write this looks didn’t even make the list.  I guess after being single this long I have decided to be a little more specific and a lot less superficial.  To wrap this list up, I would say I am attracted to ambition.  Oh, and yes, they still need to be taller than me!

Afraid of this?

“Won't you be nervous?”  My friend asked me the other day at lunch.  I was telling her about an event I had to go to that evening and she asked me if I was afraid of attending an event by myself and not knowing who would be there.  “Not really” I replied.  “I’m pretty much used to going to places by myself and meeting new people.”    My friend told me she could never just go to a party, work event, or mixer by herself.  She just isn’t comfortable being alone in that kind of environment.  Luckily for me, I don’t have a fear of showing up someplace by myself. 

This conversation led to another one “What makes you nervous?  What are you afraid of?”  Hmm… this one was tougher for me to answer.  I replied “Dating” makes me nervous – she quickly retorted that it didn’t make me nervous and if it DID in fact make me nervous I would not be on 2 dating sites at the same time and juggling dates.  Ok – point taken.

I still couldn’t think of much to be afraid of or nervous about?  I am confident alone, can make friends, and enjoy trying new things.   I don’t think I have too many feelings of dread when it comes to events in my life.  I guess I am pretty lucky like that.

After more contemplating and thinking about this (because, you know, it is a random thought, and those are the kind of thoughts that get stuck in my head and I can’t get them out) I might have a few things that make me nervous.

The first thing is i'm afraid of and hate confrontation. HATE HATE HATE it. I hate it so much that I still volunteer for stuff I don’t want to do just because I am afraid of confronting the people and telling them why I don’t want to help anymore.  (Yes, I’m a sucker that is engulfed in fear of letting someone down).    I will lose sleep for days about something as trivial as confronting a coworker and telling them their idea wasn’t up to par, or their attitude needs to be fixed, or that they just really need to change the way they do something.  Confrontation = Stress and fear for me.  I’ve learned that my fear of confrontation makes me a pretty bad people manager.  I’m great at managing people who are on my team and rowing the boat the way I row, but one lose paddle and I can’t deal well with it.  Luckily for me, in my career I really don’t’ have to directly manage people and I can happily pick the people I want on my row boat.

Another thing that makes me nervous is falling in love. Weird right?  Well, I’m not hung up on it in the “can’t get out of the house kind of way”, more like it’s a BIG step and I’m kind of not there yet kind of way.  Once you have a child in your life the whole “falling in love” thing takes a SERIOUSLY BIG commitment.  One bad breakup when my Little Man was 4 and I quickly developed a fear of falling in love.  For now I am putting it down in the column of Healthy Fears.   You know that column?  In that column goes:  Sky Diving, Bungee Jumping, and roller blading… (Ok, roller blading is safe for some people, but for me it is a seriously dangerous sport and it will stay in the fear column!)

I remember filling out a paper for my Little Man when he was entering Pre K. He was 4 years old and the teacher wanted to know things like, favorite color, favorite food, allergies and fears.  I think she was looking for things like “afraid of the deep end of the pool, afraid of strangers, etc.”  I asked my little man “What are you afraid of?”   He replied, “Monsters”    “That is all?” I asked.  “Well, Big Ones”

Ok, little man.  You are right.  There really isn’t much in life to be afraid of but Big Monsters.

Wanted: Proper understanding of the English Language

“I can’t fall in love with someone who has bad grammar!”  one of my friends states over lunch.  This may sound a bit off the wall to some, but for me, I completely understand.  I never realized how little personality quirks and traits can really just turn someone off (or on) when you are dating. 

Being a current member of the “online dating world” I scan through tons of profiles each week with guys saying things like my mate (yep- “mate” so weird!?!) Anyway, guys list their must haves and can’t stands for their future mate and you read them thinking “hey! That’s me we can be a match!”    I’ve seen things like “must love going to the gym”, “Can’t be high maintenance”, “Must love dogs” –yep that one is a movie and a standard apparently.  “No drama please”  “Not into the club scene” or some of my favorites are “my mate must stay physically fit”  “must look like your picture” and one was “must not be afraid of snakes”

These descriptions drive me crazy.  Of course every woman is going to say she loves the gym! Of course we are going to say we are drama free! And of course we are going to say we aren’t afraid of snakes! (ok, I’ll only say that if you are really, really, really cute in your profile picture)  I wish there was a place to put things online that truly matter.  Something like “must not mind that I wake up looking a bit like a Fraggle”.  “Must be able to put up with my weird schedule and not complain about me working too much”  “Must understand that my shows take precedence over your shows on the DVR list”  “Must be able to interact with my family members without complaining about it”  “Must have an actual job and make real money, thus being able to pay your bills”  "Must understand the proper use of an exclamation point"  "Must be willing to use spell check prior to hitting send"

Of course many online daters create a profile as more of a wish list of Mr./Mrs. Perfect and then settle for a bit less than they requested.

I did however find one guy that might be a good match for my friend.  His honesty was a bit surprising…  He stated he was a high school teacher, loved dogs and did not date people who had bad grammar usage….