This is just one of the 500 questions you go through when dating. (Ok, let me be clear, when you are dating and you are over the age of 30. I have a feeling that people who are in their 20s and dating still sort of rely on looks as their main source of attraction).
Being single, I am asked this question a lot by all sorts of well- meaning friends. You know the kind, the ones that are happily married and want to see you ‘settle down’, also the few concerned friends who don’t want to see me raising my son by myself of shouldering the burden of being alone. (Besides my fear of being stranded in a hurricane by myself, I think I am o.k. with being alone – thanks!) Anyway more and more this question has come up in conversation, either directed at me, or me asking it to my friends.
My typical response usually flows like this; well, he must have a job, like kids and be taller than me.” Yes, after being on the dating scene for about 5 years now I proudly deduced this formula is all I needed to find my happily ever after. Unfortunately, my witty response now needs a few more descriptive words as I have noticed that this may be good for a quick retort but they are pretty shallow of me and won’t get me out of the kiddy pool of dating.
While at breakfast the other day, my friend and I were discussing attraction and how over and over again we (meaning women in general) fall for the handsome mysterious man, but yet get disappointed when they can’t carry a conversation or we can’t introduce them to our co-workers. She went out on a few dates with a man who has a good job, owns his own home, plays sports and has good conversational skills. The thing that she raved about most? His brain! He is smart and likes to talk about books and work and planning for the future. The two of us laughed over our coffee and we remembered a few years ago when we bragged about our dates’ muscles or new tattoo or how many shots they bought us the night before.
So, as I am ever a fan of lists, I think it is now time for me to adjust mine and realize that what I am attracted to really does not have much to do with looks but a whole lot more to do with ambition and drive.
1. I am attracted to someone who has a job (ok, same as the first list) BUT, must have a job that provides for them and one that they enjoy and are proud of.
2. I am attracted to someone who likes kids (yep, still the same) BUT, must understand that I have a son and that it is a full time job. An added bonus is someone who enjoys spending time with kids and doing kid friendly things.
3. I am attracted to someone who is healthy and takes care of themselves. By no means am I a super fit person, but I realize that I need to be healthy for my son. Once you realize the need to be healthy, it is hard to find someone with bad lifestyle choices attractive.
4. I am attracted to someone who is knowledgeable. I know that not everyone is cut out for office work and college. However, I have met some extremely smart people who know a lot and are passionate about learning. I am attracted to someone who likes to learn and also likes to teach. Having new experiences together can be a great relationship builder.
5. I am attracted to someone who challenges me and encourages me. Maybe it is as simple as making me go to the gym, or trying a new recipe? I realized that I am the type of person who needs a bit of a challenge every once and awhile.
6. I am attracted to someone who needs a partner. I have been the bread winner in relationships and I have been the stay at home housewife. I didn’t like either of those roles. I am attracted to someone who looks at me and says – “Go do your best, I believe in you”. Not “I’ll take care of you” and not “I need you” But, just let’s work on this together.
It is funny that I as I sit here and write this looks didn’t even make the list. I guess after being single this long I have decided to be a little more specific and a lot less superficial. To wrap this list up, I would say I am attracted to ambition. Oh, and yes, they still need to be taller than me!
