Great Expectations

Today my daily affirmation said to “let go of all perceptions of what a relationship is supposed to be like”.  Hmm, I thought, this is actually rather timely.

As you, my bloggity blog loyal reader know, my friends and I are of the dating age. And as such, I use us as fodder for this page.  Just this past week we had been discussing how with the increase in social media, internet, text, our expectations have increased when we are entering into a relationship.

Back in the day (ok, you know I’m not THAT old), but it used to be that you would meet someone out or get set up by a friend, they would call you, you planned a date, you met, you made small talk, got to know one another, etc.  These days with online dating you pretty much fast forward all of that.  You answer questions, post pictures, list your favorites and basically give your date a “how to guide” on getting to know you.  Add in there the creation of text messaging and before you even meet a person face to face you have already gotten in your head a pretty good example of what this person is like (or, let’s be honest, what you WANT this person to be like).  Your expectations are set pretty high and you still haven’t even met the person yet!

The next hurdle is getting over the expectation of what status your relationship is in.  I constantly refer to my Dad and his wise advice when I was in college.  He told me “it is ok to date”.  Ok, duh! You might say.  But what he meant was; back in his day (1970 something) people dated.  Guys invited a girl out to dinner or to a movie.  They may even have two dates in a weekend with two different girls.  It was ok.  My Dad saw my sister and me getting asked out by one guy, having a good date, and then being stuck to each other for the foreseeable future.  We didn’t date – we committed.   I am not saying that everyone should go out and become crazy daters.  I am just suggesting that we put back into perspective that a date does not mean you are going to get married, have 2. 5 kids and a dog and live happily ever after.  It just means you wanted to see if you are compatible, have fun together and possibly could explore the thought of a second date. 

For most women, this thinking is very hard to do.  Most of us (and some men too) see our date as the future Mr. /Mrs.  We adopt the mindset that because we share the same interests and our online profile told us we were perfect matches we are going to be together forever.   We are projecting that our date is going to be the perfect relationship partner.  We can also back up our hypothesis because our online match maker agrees with us.  In our heads we are going to be Mr. and Mrs. Perfect.   Maybe yes, maybe no? 

To make the complication even worse we started changing the subject of first dates.  I remember my very first date I had from an online site.  The guy told me he hated first dates from Eharmony. I asked why? He said that “all you hear about is the sob story of someone’s past, why they got divorced, why they are still single etc.”  He had a really valid point.  While this information is very important for a relationship, topics like divorce, kids, marriage, used to come up after a few dates. These days, because you have already cleared those hurdles online, first dates tend to be a bit more intense. 

The other hurdle to keeping expectations low is that when you meet someone online you know their goals (it is a listed category!)  Want kids? Want to be married? Want to retire early?  You learn so much about the person online that you inevitably fast forward yourself into their painting of their cozy life.  I just talked to my friend who is dating a good guy.  He has a great job, owns a house, wants a family, has enough money to support a family – seems like a great catch.  The problem was that she wasn’t completely smitten with him.  She liked him ok, and could possibly grow to really like him.  Why did she settle and stay around for dates 2,3,4,5 etc.?  Well, because she fit into his picture of a future.  She wants kids, wants a man with a good job and someone who likes his family.  His perceived relationship and her perceived relationship were perfect matches.  Their personalities and lifestyles?  Not so sure.  But she was willing to pass up other guys and put her time into this one because of her expectation of what a relationship is supposed to be.

I am not judging or saying there is anything wrong with her choice.  Maybe they will be happily ever after and their match maker is completely correct?  All I am suggesting is that I remind myself to follow today’s affirmation and stop trying to fit relationships into what a perception is and just go with the flow of what reality is offering.