Thank the Lord I'm Single...

There is no denying it, being divorced or single sometimes really sucks.  It just does.  There are certain days of the year that are harder than others.  There are the obvious days likes Valentine’s, Christmas and the worry about the New Year’s Eve kiss.  Days that include reunions, couples’ nights out and weddings tend to be rather hard.  There are also less known days that tug at your heart strings like your child’s first day of school, first home run, first date, etc. that can really bug the single mom.  But with all of the “wish you were here” moments there are plenty more of “thank the LORD I’m single moments.”

A few of my favorite moments are below.  Please feel free to share and add your thoughts. I am sure this list can grow and grow.

1.        Being able find your stuff because you put it somewhere and no one else is there to move it.  You can always find your keys, favorite sweatshirt and the paperwork you need.

2.       Being able to eat your favorite Halloween candy from the kid’s bags and not having to share with anyone else.

3.       Being able to use ALL of the closets in your house for your stuff.  You don’t need to share the space and your clothing doesn’t need to get wrinkled because it is cramped in between suits and baseball equipment.

4.       Finding the toilet seat down.

5.       Knowing when it is the last of the toilet paper, toothpaste, bath soap and so one because you were the only one to use it.

6.       Putting leftovers in the refrigerator and knowing they will be there in the a.m.

7.       Being able to dedicate the extra closet in the guest room to your shoe collection (or whatever collection you may have)

8.       Any day you don’t have to deal with In Laws, and if they call, you DON’T have to answer the phone, cause hey! their child isn’t there anymore

9.       Seeing your ex dressed in any kind of strange, mismatched outfit and knowing you don’t have to sit next to him, or even pretend that you know him.

10.   When your child does something bad at school, having the ability to say he learned it at “The Other House”

11.   When your child wakes up in the morning and you are the first person they run to with a big hug and kiss.

12.   Being able to make a decision because it is was YOU want and not what someone else wants.

13.   Buying whatever you want when you want and knowing you don’t need to tell anyone about the cost of it.

14.   Being able to stock your house with your food and drink of choice, no compromising necessary.

15.   Knowing you only have to go to one family’s festivities for any given holiday.

16.   Being the one your child turns to when they fall down, feel sad or just need a hug.

17.   Being able to do whatever you want when you want with whomever you want.

“This here’s a tale for all the fellas tryin to do what those ladies tell us…”

I’ve been sitting here trying to come up with something to blog about. Apparently I’ve been kind of boring.  My little man suggested I blog about football, but since we are still in pre-season and I haven’t caught a game yet, I decided to postpone that blog.  However, one subject that needs to be addressed is “How to have a good first date”.  I am sending this as a shout out to my guy friends, hoping to impart a little wisdom on you as well as save the girls you go out with the headache of dealing with what I’ve already dealt with.  Here it goes: (all of these have happened to me or a very good friend of mine – I promise, I don’t make this stuff up)

1.    Don’t pick the restaurant then open the conversation by saying “I heard this place got shut down for having such a gross kitchen”.  
2.    Don’t ask a girl how much she makes.  When she answers “enough to be comfortable and pay my bills”, don’t ask – but really how much do you make?!
3.    Don’t ask the girl to split the bill.  If you picked the date, the place, the drinks and the food then don’t ask the girl to pay.  If she offers to pay and you are short on cash, say “yes, let’s split it”, but if you really want to impress the girl just pay for her.  I promise it will make a good impression.
4.    Don’t take her to a chain restaurant.  (OK, this is where my friends and I disagree.  Since I live where there are tons of independent restaurants and fun places to try I think you should at least try a new spot.  But, if you live in the middle of nowhere and Bob Evans is the ONLY place, then ok, you get a pass.  Other than that – stay away from chains! They don’t show your personality and are a no go.)
5.    Don’t recite poetry – ever – period.  Sorry, I just can’t ever see a place for poetry on a first date.  It is creepy and makes your date uncomfortable.
6.    If you meet her online; don’t ask her where she lives.  It is ok to ask about what town, but don’t ask the street, corner, address, house style, etc.  Don’t ask to pick her up and when she says no, insist.  The reason she met you online is because she wants to remain a bit anonymous, if she likes you, you will see her place soon enough.
7.     Don’t double book.  Of course we are all very busy, but booking back to back dates and pushing one along faster is rude.  We all know if the date isn’t working out well.  Just drink you drink, pay the bill and move on.
8.   Don’t check out other girls at the bar.  Of course you are single and ready to mingle, that is the reason you are ON a date.  But trying to make eye contact and flirting with the bartenders is a total turnoff for any girl.
9.  Smell good.  (Do I really need to go into this?)  Actually, I do.  Please shower and deodorize before going on a date.  You don’t need to shave, iron, or tuck in your shirt.  But please put a bit of effort into smelling good. 
10.   Don’t go on a date if you aren’t over your last relationship.  Sure, we all need to get back in the saddle, man up and try again. But maybe find a rebound at a bar?  Girls put a lot of effort into dates.  I know we make it seem effortless. We get all flirty and breezy and pretend we have always had our cute dress, hair perfectly done, nails manicured and things waxed.  Let me tell you the truth – we’ve thought about this date since the minute it was booked.  We researched the menu at the restaurant, we plotted our parking spot and route to the front door, we called our friends and formulated the perfect outfit, we spent hours at the salon, highlighting, low lighting, trimming, waxing, buffing, and scrubbing.  We’ve invested a ton of cash into our new makeup; purchased the perfect tummy slimming, leg lengthening, cellulite hiding undergarments.  We’ve purchased a new bra with just the right amount of push up to show the perfect bit of cleavage.  We haven’t eaten in days, we’ve done double time at the gym, and we took off ½ day of work to be perfect for our date.  So, please don’t waste our time.  We are worthy of a great man and we expect you to give 100% to our date.

I can’t promise these rules are foolproof since all of us ladies are different.  But I do promise that if you do your best to follow them you will be able to Bust a Move….

1. A little Young MC wisdom for you

A favorite list

Lists

Lists,

I like to make lists - lists of things to do, list of things to shop for, lists of bills to be paid.  Some may say I’m a bit too into lists, but hey! I have friends who make lists of their lists, so as long as I stick to one list per day I think I am ok.

This whole writing idea started with a list (that and a shower, but more about that later). I woke up one day (in the proverbialy sense, I think I was awake for a few hours) when a thought hit me.  Here I was, 33 days away from my 33^rd birthday and I really can’t tell you anything that was exciting or exceptional during my 32^nd year.  Sure, some years were monumental, like graduating college and getting my first apartment, first job and first real boyfriend – shout out to 2000!  Other years were memorable like the birth of my son, the death of a loved one, or a fun girls weekend away.  But I spent all of being 32 doing absolutely nothing.  Really – nothing.  I lost my job a month before 32, lost my house two months into 32, lost my car a few weeks after that, moved home with my parents, looked for work, had some consulting jobs, fought to get paid by said jobs, put money into a broken car, put money into my son’s past times, found more consulting jobs, one road trip to middle of nowhere Ohio, one quick race in the middle of nowhere Florida, a good tan, ten pounds lighter and here I sit… 33 days until I’m 33 and making a list as to how to hurry up and change my 32^nd year before I enter my 33^rd year.

I started my list thinking I would make 33 changes before I turned 33, but let’s be honest change is hard and if I didn’t do something for the last 32 years, why would I hurry up and do it in 33 days?  I surveyed friends and got suggestions like – run 33 miles, go on 33 dates, lose 33 pounds, try 33 new foods.  I thought about making small changes each day, so on day 1 I got bangs, but day 1.5 I hated the bangs and am now researching 33 new wigs to fix the mistake.  Day 2 I decided was going to be the start of a serious exercise routine, until I went to the Dr. for a ‘routine procedure’ and he tells me no running or lifting for a week – Day 2 goal cancelled and now I need a Day 2 and Day 3 goal. 

Enter day 3 and my shower.  I often find I do my best thinking in the shower. There is just something about the shampoo that wakens up my brain cells and starts my mind thinking.  I’ve been growing my hair out for about 2 years or so now (number 26 on my to-do list to change my life).  I wonder how I got through my day when my hair was in a cute pixie cut circa 2002.  I mean those showers were speedy, just wash with a little baby shampoo and I was outta there!  To think, maybe I could have gone on to graduate school or law school? Maybe I would have invented something or made a huge discovery?  Oh well, I digress, back to my shampoo on Day 3.   Ever since I can remember my friends have told me to write a book. Actually, my co-workers used to tell me to go on The Real World (you know the MTV Reality show before Reality TV).  My dear friend Eli insisted that I should have a tv camera following me around since according to him my life was a sitcom.  Fast forward a few years and I get stranded in Baton Rouge – ok, not “Stranded” but seriously, BATON ROUGE!?!  Well, I was pregnant and stuck so I created a website and wrote about my journeys.  This is how one communicated with friends prior to facebook, blogging, texting. I was hip and oh so cool with my website.  Anyway, again, people said “write a book”.  Nah, I’m way too busy and way too cool to write a book, blog, tweet.   Fast forward a few more years, survive a divorce, enter the world of singlemomdom, start dating, move in with parents, work, quit work, get fired from work, make friends, lose friends, and this entire time my friends keep saying “write a book.”   Back to being in the shower, scrubbing the suds into my hair (Lauren my hairdresser will be so mad when she reads this – according to her I am only to wash my hair twice a week, but I think that is just plain nasty and I scrub a dub often),  alas the thought hits me!  My 33^rd challenge for my 33^rd year is to write a book.  To sit down and put the crazy thoughts that pop into my head and out of my mouth onto paper. And for those of you who know me, my thoughts sometimes tend to spend a wee little bit of time in my head before they just go POP out of my mouth. (more about that later)

To hold myself accountable to my 33day challenge I spread the word to my most favorite supporters. I am tapping them for their support, insight and reminders of the funny shit that I have said and tend to forget.  See above comment, thoughts just run right out and tend not to hang on in my memory.

So, as I start this 33 day challenge, please support me.  (By support I mean tell me I’m fabulous, a perfect writer, you hang on my every word, I have you laughing out loud – but don’t use LOL because I hate it!)  For now I think I’ll start as a blog. Eventually maybe I’ll write a book or a column or nothing, maybe this will just be a little file that lives in the computer that made me happy for 33 days before I turned 33.

Rules of my book writing  (list #1)

1.    I would love to change names in here but really I am not that creative, so if I use your name its cause I love you. I’ll try to come up with a fun nickname or secret id for those stories that are just too embarrassing.  But when it comes to family it is really hard to substitute Fred Flinstone for my Dad and Wilma for my Mom, but Debbie does look good with big white pearls

2.   The stories and thoughts will be true and all mine

3    I might curse, I try not too, but sometimes a curse word is just the right word at the right time

4.  Things might get a little personal – just saying. Can’t say I want my mom and dad reading this but hey! If it’s a true story (cue MTV True Story Lyric here), then I might as well just share

5.   There probably won’t be any order to my posts.  Really, I thrive on order, but my brain just doesn’t work that way. So, if you want me to write “blog” about something, email me and let me know. I have a storage chest in my noggin about ideas for this thing and who knows what will pop up first?

6.   There will be a lot of lists