Yesterday I was driving to Starbucks to celebrate another thing that is back for the fall - pumpkin spice latte! When I fell upon the conclave of the Football Jersey. I spied them in the Ale House parking lot, their secret meeting, all shiny and glistening and getting ready for the big game. But, then my spidey sense kicked in. It’s 2:00 on a Monday. I live at least an hour and a half from Dolphin’s stadium. These jerseys are attached to jean shorts and short skirts and are from all different teams!?!?
What is going on?
Is the jersey plotting to take over South Florida?
I rolled on through the parking lot, kept my spidey eyes on the shifty jerseys and successfully got my pumpkin spice latte.
I only had one more errand to go and I figured I’d be safe from those shifty jean short wearing jerseys.
Too bad my next stop was the sporting goods store. Turns out that is the jersey wearer’s Mecca. Their little slice of heaven with an unlimited array of logo’d gear. I ran through the store, kept my eyes low and made my purchase before crashing into Michael Vick and Tom Brady at the check-out. I don’t know that much about football but what I do know is that Vick is an Eagle and probably not buds with Brady, and the Brady in front of me looks as if he can’t throw a Frisbee let alone a spiral. So, who stole Vick and Brady and replaced them with these two fellows and why are they shopping at my sporting goods store?!?!
Oh…right… they’ve been attacked by the Jerseys.
I think I figured out how the Jersey’s take over our neighborhoods each fall. First, they prey on the unsuspecting beer drinker. They get themselves all shiney and new and tell them stories of football games’ past. Then they whisper sweet nothings into their prey’s ear about touchdowns and fantasy sports leagues. Once they have them hooked, they attach themselves and insist on being partnered with jean shorts and sneakers.
Next, they stalk the malls. They shrink themselves down to teeny tiny girly sizes and tell the young girls that they will certainly grab a football player if they just wear one and start spouting football facts.
But the worst of the worst is – they conform to kids sizes. They get so small that they grab a hold of an unsuspecting toddler and latch on. The toddler won’t let go and together they play, pretending they are the next Tom Brady or Michael Vick, they nap together and dream of touchdowns and may even go out shopping for a matching helmet and pads. And together they develop a life-long love affair of boy and his jersey.
So what does one do when the Jersey’s attack? Set some ground rules:
Rule #1 Jerseys can only be worn on game day. Period.
Rule #2 College Jerseys can only be worn if you attended (and hopefully) graduated from that school.
Rule # 3 You must wear a t-shirt under the jersey and the jersey must be a full size bigger than you would actually wear. Please don’t wear a ½ jersey and let you beer gut hang out. That is just wrong.
Rule #4 If you choose to wear a jersey, you do not have to wear any other form of logo’d gear. Hat, pants, shoes, can all be plain. Really, we know what team you are supporting.
Rule #5 Once you pick a team stick with it. You can’t wear one team’s jersey and another team’s hat. See above rule #4, you probably don’t need a hat.
Rule #6 You are never, ever, ever allowed to wear jean shorts with your jersey.
If you follow the above jersey wearing rules, you will probably be safe from the Attack Jerseys, but please don’t say I didn’t warn you.
…Go Eagles!
Rule #2 ROCKS!
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